Possibilities

There are no certainties, only possibilities. This has always terrified me. I want to KNOW without a doubt that my life, my career, my relationships, my family will happen in a particular sequence, in a specific direction. But life is never like that. John Lennon said "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. So many "accidents" happen, which themselves are the catalysts for events to unfold, for our spiritual and mental transformation. The past is already over, the present is immediately ending and the future is determined by the present. (Woops there it goes, it's in the past already). The future will not necessarily be what I want, what I think is right, what I plan for. And most of the time my plans end up having not been so good for me. "God" has a better plan. Only it's not a plan. It's a "choose your own adventure" story I'm writing, directing, and starring in.

The hardest part is the fear of the unknown. It's like I'm trying to navigate through a dark room. What if I step on something? What if I bump into the wall? What if I'm not where I thought I was? It's as though my inability to see actually changes the dimensions of the room. No. It's all there I just have to put one foot in front of the other. I will find my way across, even if I do fall down. Because of this fear, I am either hesitant to move or I'm running recklessly, blindly toward what I can only imagine is the direction of the exit. But then I've spent all my time in a panic of paralysis and paranoia. This is no way to cross a room.

I'm finding that my life can be a lot easier than I usually make it for myself. My habit has been to set myself up for "failures" and disappointments. There is this internal myth originated by an ego starved for attention that says "Let downs can be prevented if you just never expect or hope for anything good. Then you're already down and it will hurt less to fall from a shallower depth." So then I spent my life hovering 3 inches above myself, as a witness, unaware that I was the storyteller and not some innocent bystander. Disappointments still happened. Mistakes were still made, pain still was inflicted. And it actually hurt MORE because all I could ever see, facing the ground was... the ground! And I wondered, why does the ground always cause me to fall, completely unaware that I was the one falling on it, tripping over my feet, refusing to climb too high. I thought by controlling my conditions, only staying where it was "safe" that my life would be more predictable. I found all kinds of ways to avoid noticing that "safe" was pretty sucky, lonely, unhealthy, and I was actually OUT of control, disempowered, chasing my own tail inside my head.

Now I am actually climbing, or navigating the dark room, or whatever you want to call it. I have no idea what's going to happen, and I can't pretend to know. The only certainty is that there will be surprises! There are some things I CAN control though. I can choose to accept and embrace being "in the dark" and make some discoveries about myself and the places I can go if I just put one foot in front of the other. I can choose to soak up the joy, the blessings, the moments of beauty, the insights, the humor, the irony, the love, the intimacy, the POSSIBILITIES present in each day of my life. Instead of torturing myself with worries, doubts and fears I can just let go, take a deep breath, and as Dory the fish would say, "Just keep swimming." Because I am SURE to get hurt, fall down, be disappointed as a human person with a life to live. But I can also heal, mend, and come back stronger and wiser. Do I trust and love myself enough to do this? I suppose it's not certain, but it's a possibility.